So, yeah. Maybe I’m crazy.

too much stuff

Why? Well, because I’m getting rid of almost all my stuff.

What? I’m liquidating nearly all my possessions.

Oh, that’s nice…wait, what?

Yup, it’s true. I’m getting rid of it all. For as far back as I can remember, I’ve had a lot of stuff. I find stuff. I collect stuff. I keep stuff. I hoard stuff. I can’t pack light because I always bring a lot of stuff. You get the picture.

So, why in the world would I get rid of everything? Well, there are a few reasons.

1. Peace of Mind – help myself, then help others

For over a year now, I have read about how my cousins (@RowdyKittens and @Loganenator) have been simplifying their lives. At first I didn’t know how anyone could do that and truly be happy. But over time, I started to see that it was the real deal. They were happy. They were enjoying life. They were helping others. And it really made me start to question my life and the decisions I made on a daily basis. They are also very giving people and I was able to experience that first hand when they made a way for me come to California last month. They truly live and give. That’s the kind of life I want to live. (You can read about their simplifying adventures at RowdyKittens.)

2. Refocus and Rediscover – back to the essentials

I have a wide variety of interests, so I have a wide variety of stuff. I love to read, so I have a ton of books. I love music, so I have a ton of gear…guitars, amps, recording stuff. I love computers and tech stuff, so I have a ton of old computers/gadgets laying around. I love photography, so I have a ton of camera gear around. The list goes on and on. Basically, all this leads to clutter and then makes me feel “pressured” to try to do everything…and of course that’s just not possible.  It kills my creativity. So, I want to get back to the essentials, refocus and rediscover my true passions and giftings.

3. Sacrifice and Humility – some things are just worth it

In the Bible, there is the story about a Rich Young Ruler (check out Matthew 19:16-22; Mark 10:17-31; Luke 18:18-30). Basically this guy comes to Jesus to learn what others “rules” he need to follow to be a good religious person (gag me). Jesus goes through a few things and the Young guy says he has kept all the rules. So then Jesus gives him the biggest challenge, but also the greatest opportunity of a lifetime.  Jesus tells him to sell everything he had, give it to the poor and then follow him and become a disciple. What did the guy do? He walked away. Why? Because he had a lot of stuff and he valued that more then the opportunity he’d just been given. He didn’t want to sacrifice his stuff, or his status. Ouch. Honestly, I feel like I’ve been like this Rich Young Ruler for most of my life. Not giving up stuff for the greater good. And that is something I want to change. Starting now.

There is one more reason. Actually, I see this as more of a catalyst to do it now. I have an amazing opportunity to be a part of an 18 month training/missions program at my church. The only problem I’m facing right now? The program costs money ($2,250 to be exact – I need $750 by Sept 1st), and after almost 5 months of unemployment I have no savings left over. In fact, just paying my bills has been hard. Now…I tell you this not to complain, but to say I believe I’m supposed to be a part of the program and it’s more important then my “stuff.” So, I’m also selling things to raise money to pay for the program. Whatever it takes.

So, if you’re in the market for an awesome 25.5″ Samsung monitor/tv, looking for a Fender Blues Junior amp, a big baby Taylor guitar and many more things, I’m your girl. I’ll publish a complete list of things for sale soon. I want to help people out as well, so I’m willing to negotiate on pricing. If you need something I have, I want to get it to you. Also, if you’d like to donate, I have a PayPal donate button on the right side of the blog. Feel free to give to the cause.

One final note. There are a few things that I am keeping. Here’s the list. Computer, camera, phone, Bible, journal, pen, a bag,  bike, one guitar, one bass, a handful of books and a few clothes (edit: and my Jeep).

So, yeah. Maybe I’m crazy. But you only live once and I believe somethings are worth it.

Perfection Monster

Chasing perfection.

I’ve had this phrase running through my head for about a year now. But the past 2 months, it’s gotten intense.

What am I talking about?

Perfection.

It’s the thing that holds me back…because if I don’t get it “perfect” I’m not going to do it.

I don’t publish blog posts…because they aren’t perfect.
I don’t share my songs…because they aren’t perfect.
I don’t upload my photos…because they aren’t perfect.
I don’t publish my websites…because they aren’t perfect.
(Notice a trend here…the list could go on and on)

I have a mindset that it must be perfect or it’s not worth doing. You must be the best or don’t even try. Go big or go home (but if you go big, you must be perfect).

Chasing perfection is like living in my own personal prison. I won’t let myself out to experience the freedom and joy that others talk about because I’m scared of the unknown. I have ideas all the time, but 99% never come to fruition, because I can’t do it perfectly. Talk about a creativity killer.

Over the last month, I’ve had great conversations with friends and family that have encouraged me to just go for it. To not care so much. To chill out. To know that I’m not the only one. To open up and share about this and maybe…just maybe…I can help someone else struggling with the same thing.

So, having said that, I’m going to start changing some things up. I’ve already changed the look of the blog, it’s going to be a learning process. I have a wide variety of interests, so the blog posts may seem random and off the wall. Please be patient with me, I’m gonna try to find my groove.

What about you? Have you ever held back because you were chasing perfection?

I’ve decided to take a few days and unplug. What from? Well…just about everything. Mainly, media. No TV, movies, emails, facebook or twitter. Yes, I said twitter and yes, I know it’s gonna hurt. I’m even going to turn my iPhone off. It’s time for some peace and quiet. To cut out the distractions.

Why am I, the media girl, doing this? Well, honestly…I need change in my life. I get so distracted looking at what’s going on around me that I forget to look at what’s going on inside me. I put off helping myself because I want to help others. While that may seem like a noble thing, it’s not. Why? Well…because I’m hiding. I don’t want to see the broken person that I am on the inside. I don’t want to see that I don’t have it all together. I don’t want to deal with the pain that others have caused me. I’d rather put on a fake smile and pretend I’m fine.

But really…I’m tired of doing that.

So, I’m making the time for prayer and meditation. I’m seeking God for what He has for my life at this time. I want healing for those broken places. Clearing my mind of all the lies I’ve been told and filling it with Truth. No matter the cost.

Please be praying for me during this time. Especially on Saturday. Some friends are getting together with me for prayer. I am expecting great thing to come from this.

(I’m still doing Project: Today. Just finishing up day #10. Learning so much through it.)

Hope you all are doing well. I’ll catch you again Sunday…at the earliest.

April 6th, I was laid off.

I was the manager of a locally owned tea shop. The news was sudden. No warning. I was shocked. As I left the shop, my emotions went all over the place. I thank God for amazing friends and family who were there for me. They took the time to talk me through things and assure me that everything would be alright.

A few weeks before the news, I had a feeling that there was change coming. I didn’t know what kind of change only that I felt it. Now it all makes sense. You see, I’m a person that tends to resist major change. I want to cling to security…even if it makes me miserable. This characteristic, I believe, is what has held me back from pursuing my dreams. I’m a person who dreams big. I want to change the world. One person at a time. Helping those in need whether it be physical, emotional or spiritual need. I desire to travel the world, bring attention to needs within (and outside) of our country and raise support to eliminate the need.

Mother Teresa gave her life to helping others. She was an advocate for the poor and helpless. Her life was lived simply, yet she impacted the world. Material extravagance was something she did not know, but she did love extravagantly. Her life inspires me. One person can change the world. One person at a time.

Now, I don’t believe that I have to sell all my possesions and move to India to make a difference. I can start right where I’m at. Here in Nashville. Even though losing my job was not in my “plan,” I belive that I have been given a gift. The gift of time, freedom and clarity.

I don’t have everything figured out. I don’t know how I’m going to make money or pay bills. I don’t know how I’m going to travel or when. BUT…I have peace. I have a feeling that it will all be ok.

I have hope…and that is what I cling to.

So today I had one of those “swift kick to the bottom” moments. Now, to the observer it was nothing huge, but to me it hit me like a ton of bricks.

It was Ash Wednesday today. How do I know this? Well…not because I observe it, but rather because there was a little old lady who came into the tea shop I manage with a bunch of ash smeared on her forehead. Oh…and I was asked to make a “special meal” just for her, so she could enjoy a luncheon with her friends and not feel left out.

Does it sound like I have a bad attitude about it? You bet! Now, this wasn’t the only thing that got me slightly irritated. There had been a few things piling up on me, and I was getting to the end of my patience. The lady just happened to press my buttons by a few silly little requests that she was making. She was downing water like no one I’ve ever seen before. She didn’t eat the “special” sandwiches I made for her. She went on and on about how she “wished” she could try the tea because it smelled delicious. She drooled over the other lunch guest’s desserts. On and on.

Let me also take a moment to say that I truly try to make everyone feel special. I want them to walk out of my shop truly glad that they came in. I try to go the extra mile to make people feel like royalty. I strive to create a peaceful atmosphere, so people feel like they can “escape” for a little while.

Although it is my desire to do all the things I listed, after about 15 minutes of this lady, I could feel myself tensing up and not having the most attentive attitude. I had judged her as being one of “those ladies.” You know…the kind of lady that you can’t please no matter what. So, even though I was still “nice” I wasn’t giving 100%. I wasn’t putting my whole heart into serving these ladies. (No one else knew that, but I did. I knew my attitude wasn’t right.)

When it came time for the ladies to come pay and leave, my boss (the owner of the store) was at the register with me. Each one of the ladies (6 of them) made it a point to tell my boss that I was wondeful and made their time extremely enjoyable. That I was very cordial, helpful and attentive. *(Here is where I get the swift kick to the bottom feeling.) Then difficult lady looked at me and said, “thank you for the service you gave me. You made me feel like a princess, and that doesn’t happen often.”

What?!

Then it hit me.

What is her home life like?
Is she alone?
Has her husband passed away?
Do her kids take care of her?
Do they spend time with her?
Does she have anyone to talk to?
Is this her only outlet?
Does she have to be “difficult” just to get attention?

I hadn’t even stopped to ask these questions (and many more). Why? Because I was more preoccupied with my own self-centeredness. How did “I” feel? What did “I” want? How did “I” want to be treated?

Ouch.

I’m very thankful for this lesson today. I pray that I will be quicker to “ask the questions” and change my perspective then to “judge” people. Simple acts of kindness can extend beyond what we ever thought possible.

We just never know the difference we can make in the life of another.

LTE. Life Transforming Event. How do you even begin to describe something like that?

Is it the elation you might feel after winning a million dollars? All the numbers lined up and…BAM! You were a millionaire. But wait, riches fade. Quick.

Maybe it’s that new job you just landed. Oh yeah…this is the one you always dreamed of. You have arrived! What’s that you say? Budget cuts? Crap.

Oh…I know. It’s that new relationship that seems to be going in a great direction. Oh, you just want to be friends? Umm…sure. Nice.

How about a three day workshop? With people who like to smile and hug a lot. And I do mean a lot.

Do I have your attention yet? What am I talking about? Well…hang with me and keep reading.

Last weekend, I went to the HOPE workshop. I like how it’s called “workshop” because I did work. Hard.

Now, I have to admit that I put off going to the workshop for over 6 months. Why? Well, I think I may have been part scared, part prideful and completely I-don’t-think-I-really-need-this-because-nothing-terrible-has-happened-to-me.

HOPE. Helping Overcome Painful Experiences? Wow. What a new concept! After 10+ years in ministry what had I been taught to do? I had been taught to COPE. Cover Over Painful Experiences. Oh…and then to pretend it didn’t happen, put on a happy face and tell everyone that everything was fine and dandy while I skipped along a path of roses.

Ouch. What a painful existence.

I learned to stuff emotions and not deal with them. Because after all, I was supposed to put other people first in ministry. Right? I mean, really…there are christians all over the world suffering for the gospel…who am I to complain about not getting the youth leader position I was promised? Some people are beaten for teaching the Bible…my pastor just decided not to use the Bible study he asked me to write, that I spent months on. No big deal.

Right?

Wrong.

The first HOPE session rocked my world. The question was asked, “If I broke my arm and 10,000 others broke their arm too, would my arm hurt any less?” Oh dang! Did you just ask me that question?! My answer? “Well…umm…I would feel bad for the other people.” Wait….that was the Christian-ese answer. Ok…let me try again. “I would pray for the 10,000 others and then myself.” What? Oh, right. You didn’t ask me what I would do…but how I would feel. Geez.

It was then I realized that I had never learned to be honest. Completely honest. With others. With myself. With God.

As the workshop continued, I felt like I was finally given permission to “feel.” That emotion was ok…it was even designed by God on purpose for a purpose. Whoa! The tools shared to help process emotions and respond appropriately gave me a sense of empowerment. It’s almost like I had been trapped in an emotional prison cell my whole life and now the door had just unlocked and opened right in front of me. All I had to do was walk out.

Scary, but exciting.

I understand that this event was the beginning of a process. It’s the beginning of a journey. A lifelong journey. I know it will be hard at times. I may even want to revert back to the old habits and just COPE. But that’s not what I want for my life.

I want a transformed life. And I want to live and give of myself to see others transformed as well.

Thank you Farrar Moore and everyone with Caring Resources. You created a comfortable and safe environment for me to learn, discover, fall apart, process and grow. I pray my life will be just another example of your dedication to bring emotional wholeness to individuals and the Church as a whole.